


Everything Is So Primitive

by TJ (rainbowsmuke)



Category: 5 Seconds of Summer (Band)
Genre: 5 Seconds of Summer - Freeform, 5SOS - Freeform, Angst, Cashton, Established Relationship, M/M, Rimming, Shower Sex, Smut
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-09-23
Updated: 2018-10-20
Packaged: 2019-07-03 16:11:20
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 14,094
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15822393
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/rainbowsmuke/pseuds/TJ
Summary: Ashton and Calum have the best of both worlds by being best friends who also have sex and like to tease each other. It's perfect until feelings get involved and things become ten times more complicated.





	1. Chapter 1

Ashton grins as he feels lips at the back of his neck, and a laugh escapes him as he taps the 'Your Story' option on his phone to post the pic Calum has just taken of him. Ashton's not an arrogant person but it's a nice pic and he wants to share it with the fans. They like it when he lets the natural curls loose and wears just enough makeup to put forth a sort of androgynous appeal. Ashton knows this, he pays attention to them. Though what he never expected was just how much Calum likes it as well. This isn't the first time he's posted something like this, far from it, especially since the 5SOS3 era started. All of them have been more open to things they hadn't been before, trying a more bold and adventurous way of dressing and presenting themselves. Ashton and Luke are more into the makeup and glitter but that's okay. Ashton should expect by now that some things really get his best friend going, and apparently this look is one of them. 

Calum's mouth moves from the back of Ashton's neck to the spot just below his ear, which causes him to draw in a sharp breath. It's one of Ashton's weak spots and Calum knows it so he's taking total advantage of it. Ashton tilts his head to the side to allow Calum more space to kiss and his eyes fall half closed. They don't have the time for this; they have to get ready for the awards show in fifteen minutes, but Calum doesn't seem to care about that. And he's making it very hard for Ashton to care either. A soft sigh leaves Ashton as he feels Calum's arm slip around his waist and deft fingers start to undo the buttons of the red shirt Ashton likes so much. Ashton's grateful he's not popping the buttons off of this one because he's lost many shirts that way. Ashton looks up toward the ceiling as he leans his back against Calum's warm chest and worries at the inside of his cheek, contemplating just how much trouble they would be in if they were late. 

"Cal, stop...we don't have time..." Ashton trails off as Calum's teeth take hold of his earlobe and he tugs it playfully. 

"We've got twenty minutes. That's plenty of time," Calum retorts. He's undone the last button of Ashton's shirt and his fingers are sliding over the newly exposed skin. "C'mon, Ash. You look so fucking hot right now."

Calum's breath is warm against the cartilage of Ashton's ear and it causes him to shiver, his black jeans already feeling too tight as he starts to get hard in them. "Fifteen, actually..." 

Calum makes a dismissive sound in the back of his throat, and continues his assault on Ashton's neck. Calum sucks a kiss into his skin, along the vein, and comes dangerously close to leaving a mark. 

"Hey!" Ashton protests with a laugh, jerking slightly so Calum's mouth is no longer at his neck. "Are you trying to get us in trouble?"

He's not really angry but Ashton also doesn't want to deal with the disapproving looks from their team or the lecture that would follow the next day over the phone. Ashton realizes they're not as subtle as they think they are since people are starting to pick up on it. He just isn't sure he has any fucks to give about that. So fucking what if he wants to fuck another guy, more specifically his bandmate, because it's not anyone's business what they do is it? Ashton reminds himself of that often and it sends a tendril of rebellion through him, and he shifts to his knees on the bed, and shoves Calum back against the mattress. Calum lets out a short burst of surprised laughter as Ashton crawls on top of him, straddles his hips between this legs, and grinds down on Calum. Ashton can feel that Calum's already hard in his jeans and the friction, not nearly enough because of the damn denim, makes him hum softly. 

"Thought you said we didn't have time?" Calum points out, his voice husky. It's sexy as hell. 

"Shut up," Ashton grins, just before he leans forward and kisses Calum greedily. 

It's a messy kiss, hurried and sloppy, their teeth knocking together slightly but it brings a sweet moan out of Calum and Ashton shudders on top of him. Their tongues meet and Asthon sucks on Calum's as he continues to grind against him teasingly. Ashton can't even remember the last time they dry humped like this, and he's sure they had been teenagers at the time and didn't know any better. What he really wants is to rip Calum's clothes off and fuck him until they're sticky with each other's come and exhausted. Fuck, Ashton really wishes they had the time for it but he doesn't like to do anything half ass, and that includes fucking his best friend. So he break the kiss and rolls off of Calum and smiles smugly when he hears the frustrated sound the leaves the bassist. 

"Are you fucking kidding me right now?" Calum blurts, his tone edging toward angry.

Not that Ashton blames him because he knows he's being a dickbag by riling Calum up and leaving him with blue balls. When Ashton turns back around, it's just in time to see Calum scramble from the bed, and a moment later he shoves Ashton against the nearest wall. The blow to his back causes him to gasp and his eyes widen but there's a smirk on his features because this shit is foreplay between the two of them. Calum gets rowdy when he's horny and Ashton likes his bravado, especially when more often than not Calum is quick to get on his knees or beg to be fucked. Calum likes to pretend he's more dominant than he really is, and it's not that he can't be or doesn't ever want to be, he just prefers it the other way around. Ashton has learned many things about Calum since they started fucking, such as how he likes when Ashton leaves marks on him or digs nails into his skin while Ashton is balls deep inside of him. Each time they fuck Ashton learns something new. It's never boring.

"C'mon Ash," Calum murmurs, his hands fumbling at the belt of Ashton's jeans. "Just a little something. Let me blow you. You can fuck my face if you want?" He's got the belt nearly undone before Ashton takes hold of his wrists to stop him. 

"How's that good for you?" Ashton asks, raising a brow. "Gets me off but leaves you hard." 

Calum huffs in annoyance that Ashton has stopped him from getting the belt undone, and nuzzles into Ashton's neck instead. "I can jerk off while you fuck my mouth." He nips Ashton's neck, hard. "Please?" 

Ashton hisses at the sharp sting to his neck. He's about to give in because it's hard for him to deny Calum anything at all, least of all sex because that's something they do best, something they love doing. They're both hard as hell at the moment so it probably won't take too long to come and Ashton considers giving Calum the green light when a knock on the door startles him out of his lust filled fantasies, and the voice of their PA follows the knock to inform them to be in the lobby in five. The red carpet MMVAs are waiting for them. Calum groans against the space between Ashton's neck and shoulder, but Ashton can only laugh softly because he's going to have to start thinking of something really boring and quickly to calm his dick, something like baseball. They have just enough time to change for the MMVAs and leave the room. 

"Guess we're going to have to pick this up later," Ashton all but purrs against Calum's ear. Then he nudges Calum's face with his shoulder so Calum looks at him, and when he does Ashton slips a hand around the back of his neck and pulls Calum in for a rough kiss. At the same time Ashton's other hand slips between them and he cups Calum's dick through his jeans. The kiss is broken and Ashton murmurs against Calum's lips. "Later."

 

*          *          *

 

It has been a long time since 5 Seconds of Summer have been on a red carpet or an awards show in general. They're going to be performing as well and there's a feeling of anticipation that ripples through the Escalade as they pull up to the drop off point. Their security ushers them out of the vehicle and down along the carpeted walk way that's filled with fans, interviewers and photographers. They all stop to chat with their fans and take pictures with them and even though no one else notices, Ashton is aware of Calum's presence near him pretty much at all times. There are subtle touches; a brush of their hands or a light touch to Ashton's back that lets him know Calum is there, and that their little tryst in the hotel room hasn't been forgotten.  Not that Ashton would have forgotten either because he can never seem to get the feeling of Calum's lips out of his mind, the taste of them, the heat of Calum's body, all of him. It's nearly overwhelming and Ashton has to work really, really hard to keep his brain from slipping into such unsavory thoughts. It would be really fucking embarrassing to pop an awkward boner in the middle of the red carpet. Ashton's not eighteen anymore so he should damn well have better control over his body. It's just difficult when Calum looks especially gorgeous under the bright lights.

An almost welcome distraction comes when they learn they've won a cheesy award for best dressed and they accept the golden hanger handed to them by one of the hosts. They make jokes about it but they're always gracious for even the smallest of things. Ashton feels like it keeps them grounded, reminds them of how much their fans mean to them and how those fans have stuck by them through the years even with all the bullshit. He knows that all of them are grateful for that. 

They're ushered backstage some time later to get ready for their performance and Ashton's feeling jittery though it has nothing to do with performing. They've performed a thousand times though the excitement never rally fades. Ashton's anxious because there's a sexual charge that exists between himself and Calum at the moment so he's attempting to keep his distance. He doesn't want Luke or Michael to pick up on it, or anyone else around them for that matter. There's been a carefully constructed box around him and Calum for the couple of years that no one's been allowed to enter. There are too many variables, too many risks, of someone finding out they're together and have been since Hawaii. Ashton also doesn't want Michael and Luke to have to bear that secret so he and Calum agreed not to tell them, though Ashton thinks they know anyway and just haven't said anything. It's easier to find distraction in the people around them and the award show as a whole. Ashton watches Shawn and Ashley perform from the side of the stage, along with a few other artists, and soon it's their turn to perform. The adrenaline rush of performing takes Ashton's mind off of Calum and for a little over four minutes, he's in his own world as he plays. 

It wears off once they're no longer on stage and they stick around for the rest of the award show. Calum is glued to his side and Ashton can practically feel the need coming off of his bandmate, and he's sure his own need is echoing. It's hard to sit through the rest of the show and Ashton is grateful when they're leaving and can return to the SUV. He takes the furthest seat in the back and Calum follows, unsurprisingly, while Luke and Michael take the middle seat. Their driver and manager are in the driver's and passenger seat respectively. The traffic is horrible and it's going to take a twice the time it usually does to get back to the hotel. The radio is playing and the other four are chatting loudly but it's all white noise to Ashton because Calum's hand is between his legs, palming his dick through his pants. It's amazing how no one in the seats ahead of them notice how quiet either of them are and Ashton feels nervous that someone is going to turn around at any moment and catch them, even if it's dark in the vehicle. He grips the edge of the seat with one hand tightly and grits his teeth faintly to keep any sound from slipping out of him. It's almost like torture. 

Ashton's pants suddenly feel too tight now that he's fully hard thanks to Calum and he figures this is a little bit of payback for what he did to the bassist earlier in the hotel room. Calum takes his hand off of Ashton's crotch and gives him a smug grin. Ashton has to hold back the groan that's on his lips and he tilts his head back against the seat and closes his eyes. He counts backwards from ten but he only gets to six before he feels Calum shift around on the seat and suddenly put his head in Ashton's lap. A small gasp escapes Ashton and he looks down quickly as Calum's fingers tug the belt buckle loose and pop the button. Calum looks up at him and Ashton shakes his head, silently warning Calum this isn't a good idea and it's too risky. That smug grin returns to Calum's face and even in the dim light Ashton can see the mischievous light in his dark eyes that seem to say _'That's part of the fun, stupid'_. Ashton can't even deny that because despite the nervousness that's flowing through him it somehow manages to enhance the arousal, and sends little sparks of pleasure along his skin. Ashton really, really hopes Michael or Luke don't turn around and figure out what's happening, even if it's not necessarily strange to find any of them close like this. They've always been the touchiest band to ever exist. 

Somehow, even though it's cramped in the backseat, Calum manages to situate himself so he can get Ashton's pants undone and reach inside them to wrap fingers around his cock. Ashton hates this but he loves it at the same time and drops one hand to move through Calum's dark hair gently. His other hand is still gripping the seat because it's helping him to keep quiet as Calum's tongue circles the head of his dick before he takes it into his mouth. Ashton's nails dig into the upholstery and once more he lets his head fall back against the seat, eyes closing as he focuses on breathing so he doesn't moan or make any kind of sound at all. He can't be sure it won't be heard over the radio and the chatter in front of them, and Ashton doesn't want to risk it. Calum's mouth feels amazing on him, his tongue running along the vein of his cock and his lips tight as he takes Ashton into his mouth inch by inch Ashton's fingers move methodically through Calum's hair. The fact they could be caught at any moment causes a surge of adrenaline to rush through Ashton and heat spreads through his stomach. Calum's head is bobbing in his lap in a perfect rhythm, his cheeks hollowed and Ashton isn't going to last much longer. He opens his eyes to look out the tinted window next to him to try and gain his bearings, figure out where they are and how far they are from the hotel but the drummer's not overly familiar with Toronto. The traffic has lessened so they're likely only a few minutes out. Ashton really doesn't want to have to climb out of the van and go all the way up to his hotel room with a massive and unrelieved hard on. 

Calum's mouth has released his cock and Ashton almost loses himself for a moment, almost moans in protest, and he swears he can hear his bandmate chuckle softly just before he swallows Ashton down again. This time, Calum's not fucking around and his mouth is so tight and so hot on Ashton that he can't think about anything else. His world has shrunk down to the backseat of the vehicle, to Calum's amazing mouth on his dick and his his body tightens just before he comes. Every part of Ashton seizes for a moment as he spills into Calum's mouth, biting down on his lip almost so hard it bleeds just to keep from crying out his lover's name. It's over a moment later and Ashton pants softly, eyes falling to Calum to watch as he cleans any release he wasn't able to swallow off of him. It's so hot in the backseat Ashton can't stand it and he reaches up for the vent above him to angle it so it'll blow cool air on his face. Calum sits up and Ashton tucks himself back into his jeans just as they pull up to the hotel. Even though he wants to be pissed at Calum for that, Ashton can't in his post-orgasm state of mind. He'll try again later.

 

*          *          *

 

None of them have shared a hotel room for a long time, mostly to keep appearances and a little bit because they all like to have their own space when they can. They love each other, they share a bond that most people can't begin to understand, but they also spend a lot of time together when they're traveling. Tomorrow they have their first show of the North America leg of this tour and then they'll be on a bus to Connecticut. They switch back and forth between being on a tour bus and in hotel rooms because flying is inconvenient and too hard to schedule when you have to travel state to state. They always have rooms on the same floor and sometimes connected. Calum's room his next to Luke's across the hall and Ashton sort of hopes Luke spends the night in Michael's room so he doesn't hear anything. Ashton and Calum always exchange keycards to each other's rooms and it's burning a hole in Ashton's pocket as they each go to a different room. It isn't such a big deal that he would be found in Calum's room but Ashton feels like if anyone even looks at him right now they'll know something's up. He's sure he felt Michael's eyes narrowed on the back of his neck as they were in the elevator just minutes ago. So Ashton paces for twenty minutes in his room before he finally leaves it and crosses the hall to Calum's room. He slips the keycard in the slot and when it beeps it sounds too loud and Ashton almost cringes, but the light turns green and the door opens and he goes inside and closes it carefully behind him. 

It's dimly lit inside the hotel room and the shower is running. The bright fluorescent light of the bathroom comes through the crack of the slightly ajar door, and Ashton goes to peek his head inside and his eyes immediately land on the bottle of lube that's sitting on the counter. A small burst of laughter comes out of him. It's like Calum knows exactly what he's going to do before Ashton's even thought of it himself. Ashton steps into the bathroom and leaves the door open because the steam from the shower has already fogged up the mirror. He strips out of his clothes and leaves them in a pile on the floor, and the last thing he does before he steps into the shower with Calum is grab the lube. Ashton's met with a sight that makes him groan in need; Calum's wet body under the shower head, water cascading over his darker skin that Ashton's wants to taste every inch of all the fucking time.

Calum's back is to him and he looks over his shoulder at Ashton with a grin. "Took you long enough."

"Shut up," Ashton retorts. He sets the lube on the ledge where soap would usually go before he closes the space between the two of them, plastering his body against Calum's back. Ashton's hard again, his cock pressed to Calum's ass as his hands slide over the bassist's hips and grip them tightly. "That was really fucked up what you did in the car." 

The low chuckle that leaves Calum annoys him a little. So does the way Calum is pushing back against him, his ass shifting against Ashton's hard on and the wet friction feels too good. "Why are you complaining? It's fucking payback for the way you left me high and dry earlier."

Ashton doesn't have a come back for that because Calum's not exactly wrong. It was a dick move to leave him like that, but it was also a dick move on Calum's part to risk them getting caught like that. A soft growl leaves the drummer as he bites down on Calum's shoulder, hard enough to leave teeth marks and draw a gasp out of him. Ashton's more wound up than he realized and he takes hold of Calum's hips and shoves him against the tile wall of the shower though not hard enough to really hurt him

"Fuck!" Calum hisses, his hands coming up in just enough time to brace himself against the wall and he's breathing heavily, cheek pressed to the tile and eyes closed. 

Ashton grins faintly because he can't help it, part of him likes it so much when Calum submits to him, lets Ashton manhandle him. He nips at the back of Calum's neck, hard enough to leave imprints of his teeth in the darker skin that will fade by the morning. Ashton shivers at the groan that leaves his lover and his mouth trails down Calum's spine, tongue and teeth hitting each vertebrae as he goes to his knees. His hands slide down along the outside of Calum's thighs and Ashton sinks his teeth into the top of Calum's right ass cheek, and he's not afraid to leave a mark in this place. The bite brings a gasp of surprise out of Calum, followed by another expletive and Ashton smiles faintly because he loves everything about his best friend. 

"I should tease the fuck out of you until you're begging for it then not let you come," Ashton mutters as he teases Calum's hole with the tip of his index finger, "but I think you'd probably like that too much." Sometimes there was no winning with this guy. 

A breathy laugh leaves Calum and he leans in to the touch Ashton is giving him. "You wouldn't last long enough," he retorts. "You'd wanna fuck me too bad." 

Ashton says nothing because he knows that's probably true. He still doesn't have the willpower to really deny Calum but he's not necessarily trying either. A low growl of annoyance leaves Ashton as Calum shifts his stance further apart for him invitingly. God, it pisses him off how much control he doesn't really have over these situations. Calum might be the more submissive of the two, but he's certainly got an upper hand and he knows exactly what he's doing. Ashton closes his eyes, spreads Calum open and flicks the tip of his tongue over Calum's hole. He does it a second and a third time and watches with a smug satisfaction as Calum's hands slip on the tile wall as they try and gain purchase on something. The bassist's eyes are closed and his lips are parted as he draws in a ragged breath. It's beautiful to watch. Ashton drags his tongue over Calum's hole, slow at first and lets his eyes fall half closed. It's taken him awhile to get to a point where he can do this, and to allow it to be done to him, because it always seemed so weird to him. He's glad he let Calum talk him into trying it because Ashton loves eating his lover out and the way it makes Calum keen shamelessly. 

"Ash...fuck..." Calum groans, and Ashton can feel him tremble slightly. "Please..." 

Ashton pulls back slightly and looks up with a wicked grin. "Please...what?" 

Calum grunts, annoyed, and looks over his shoulder at Asthon with narrowed eyes. "You gonna make me say it?" 

"You're damn right I am," Ashton replies with a shrug. "What does it matter? Not like you haven't begged for it before." 

"Fuck off." 

That brings a laugh out of Ashton and he slides his tongue along Calum's asshole once more before he moves to stand, his knees a little sore from kneeling on bottom of the shower for the last several minutes. He presses a kiss to Calum's shoulder as his arms wrap around a slim waist. Ashton slips a hand over the wet skin of Calum's stomach, lower and lower until he's able to wrap his fingers around Calum's cock. "Tell me what you want," he demands softly, stroking his lover slowly.

"I hate you," Calum moans. He presses his forehead to the tile, hips moving into Ashton's touch. 

"That's a lie," Ashton laughs breathlessly. "Say it." He runs the pad of his thumb over the head of Calum's dick.

Calum's hands curl into fists against the wall as his hips buck forwards into Ashton's fist. "I want you to fuck me raw," he gasps. 

Satisfied, Ashton reaches for the lube on the soap ledge and lets go of Calum's cock in the meantime, which brings a sound of protest out of the bassist. Ashton ignores him so he can pop the lid of the lube bottle and pour some into his palm. It's already warm from the steam of the shower so he doesn't wait any longer before reaching down and sliding slicked fingers over Calum's hole, coaxing the muscle to relax before he slips his index finger in slowly. A low moan leaves Calum and Ashton nuzzles at the back of his neck affectionately despite the fact he's been a little rough with him. It's not often Calum likes to be gentle, usually preferring to be fucked good and hard, so Ashton likes to make sure his lover knows he cares.

Ashton's fingers are long, longer than his bandmates, and he knows how to use them as he works Calum open so he can add a second finger and then a third. Calum rolls his hips back to fuck himself on his fingers and if he really wanted to he could get Calum off just like this. But he doesn't want to do that because breathy expletives are falling from the bassist's lips and it makes Ashton want to take him apart piece by piece. 

"Fuck...fuck Ashton please..." Calum begs beautifully. "Put your cock in me. I need you to fuck me."

That's enough for Ashton and he slips his fingers out of Calum's asshole, stretched and ready for him, takes hold of the base of his dick as his other hand grips the bassist's hip to steady him. Calum is a sight against the wall, back arched and ass out, ready for Ashton to take him as he pleases. Ashton's lost what little patience he had and he presses he head of his cock against Calum's hole for a few seconds so he knows what to expect before sliding into him. Ashton groans, loud and shameless, as Calum's body takes him, hot and tight and wonderful. For a moment he can feel Calum tense before a soft cry of pleasure leaves him, muffled only by the sound of the rushing water from the shower head. Ashton bottoms out inside of his lover and stills for several seconds so Calum has the chance to get used to Ashton being inside of him. He runs and affectionate hand up Calum's side and waits to be told he's ready before Ashton draws back until he's almost completely out of Calum only to push back into him. It brings a needy moan out of Calum, whose forehead is pressed to the tile and he's panting softly, and Ashton believes he's never seen anyone more beautiful. Calum presses back against him with an impatient sound and lifts his head from the wall to look over his shoulder, clearly trying to get his point across that he want Ashton to stop procrastinating and finally fuck him. So he does, hard and fast so the only sounds that fill the space around them are the water, their moans and skin against skin. Ashton's blunt fingernails bite into the skin of Calum's hips enough to leave little crescent shapes behind that might bruise but he knows Calum won't mind. He always seems proud of the marks Ashton leaves behind on him. 

There's no room for words but Ashton knows how to read Calum's body language, he knows by the way his lover's body becomes taut, the way he tightens on Ashton's dick, that he's going to come soon. Ashton angles his hips in search of that spot that will tip Calum over the edge and he knows he's found it when the bassist lets out a strangled cry of pleasure. Calum comes seconds later and Ashton can feel every shudder that rolls through his body, and he comes almost at the same time. Ashton moans loudly as he spills into Calum, rhythm becoming jerky until he's got nothing left to give, and has to brace his hand against the wall to keep himself upright because his knees feel wobbly. They're both breathing heavily and it takes Ashton a moment to collect himself before he slides out of Calum slowly. 

"Come here, baby." Ashton murmurs softly. It's only ever in vulnerable moments like this, post-orgasm, that Calum ever lets him really use such endearments. 

Ashton guides Calum to turn around so he can cup his face and kiss him, a little more lovingly than would normally be allowed. He takes what he can get from Calum's compliance even if it is a bit opportunistic. As they kiss, slow and lazy, Ashton reaches blindly for the bottle of shampoo on the ledge and breaks the kiss when he locates it. Then he pops the cap and pours some into his palm before he runs his fingers through Calum's hair to lather it up and wash it. Calum's shampoo smells like a mix of eucalyptus and something citrus, a scent Ashton's become all too familiar with as of late and associates with his lover even when Calum's nowhere in sight. Ashton guides Calum under the stream of water and he rinses the shampoo out of Calum's hair when he tilts his head back. He likes to take care of Calum when the bassist allows it like he's doing at this moment. It's on the tip of his tongue as he grabs the body wash and a washcloth to tell Calum that he loves him more than anything. Ashton doesn't say anything as he runs the soapy wash cloth over Calum's body slowly which brings a content sigh and smile from his lover. 

When he finishes washing Calum, Ashton kisses him gently while he rinses the soap off and bumps his nose affectionately with his own. He knows Calum's feeling wrecked at the moment. 

"Go dry off and wait for me. I'll sleep with you tonight," he says softly. 

"Don't take too long," Calum replies before he slips out of the shower to leave Ashton alone. 

Ashton doesn't take too long showering and he shuts the water off before pushing back the curtain and drying off in the tube before he steps out and wraps the towel around his waist. His hair is still wet but he's too lazy to do anything about it so he leaves the bathroom and crosses the hotel room toward the bed Calum is already occupying, still naked. Ashton ditches the towel and crawls into bed with him. He smiles as Calum inches his way across the sheets to press his back to Ashton's chest and he slides his arms around him and buries his face against the back of Calum's neck. Ashton presses a few soft kisses there before he settles. 

Eventually, he falls asleep to the sound of Calum's rhythmic breathing and their hearts beating together. 


	2. Chapter 2

There's a certain amount of anxiety that builds in Calum's chest and his palms feel a little sweaty. They've been on tour for nearly two months now and some shows have gone off better than others. Tonight they play Denver but that's not what Calum's actually worried about. Their Genius video for Valentine is also being released and he's worried about it because he feels like maybe him and Ashton are being too obvious. So far their management team has let them get away with a lot; the honeymoon moment, the social media posts, the vacations, the real reason Best Friend was written. Calum always finds himself looking over his shoulder when these things happen, both literally and figuratively, to see what kind of reaction their managers are going to have. Sometimes it's not so bad and other times he can see the tightening in their jaws. Now he's worried even if he hadn't been at the time they filmed the video. What if too many people actually pick up on it? Calum doesn't want to have to do what Luke and Michael do. It's already hard enough trying to hide their relationship from people. They haven't even told Luke and Michael, not really, because Calum doesn't want to burden them with such a huge secret but Calum suspects they know something is up. Just like he and Ashton know something is up with them. It's sort of an unspoken rule between the four of them. Calum doesn't really have the time to worry so much about this but he finds himself pacing his hotel room anyway. It's still early, the sun has barely risen, and they won't have to be at the venue for hours. It's a little bit ominous knowing that their social media managers know what's being said about them on the internet. They'll know if Calum and Ashton are coming off too open about their relationship. As far as the public knows, they're both straight and single. That's the image they're supposed to keep. Calum kind of fucking hates it. 

He's lost in thought and it takes a moment for his brain to register that someone's opening the door and coming into his room. Ashton is the only person who has a key to his room so Calum isn't surprised when he looks up to see the drummer standing there. Calum stops pacing and takes in the sight of his lover, freshly showered and in clean sweats and a tank top, his hair still damp and curled. A soft smile comes over his features as Ashton comes further into the room and sets a heaping plate of fruit and muffins on the table, along with two bottles of orange juice. 

"Why are you wearing a track in the carpet?" Ashton asks as he takes a seat at the table. He gestures for Calum to join him at the table and then opens his bottle or OJ. 

Calum shrugs. He doesn't really know how to explain what he's feeling at the moment. "No reason." 

He pointedly ignores Ashton's raised brow as he sits down at the table with him and reaches for one of the muffins so he can peel the paper off of it. Calum picks a piece off the top and pops it into his mouth, concentrating way too hard on chewing so he doesn't have to make conversation. He should thank Ashton for bringing him breakfast but he's a little afraid of opening his mouth at the moment. Half the muffin is gone before Ashton speaks again, saying his name gently. Calum looks up and frowns faintly. 

"Are you gonna tell me what's wrong or...?" Ashton trails off, like he isn't entirely sure what else to say. 

"It's not really important," he sighs. "Kinda stupid really..." 

"What's stupid?"

Calum's eyes avert to the plate of fruit still between them and knits his brow for a moment. There's panic rising up in his chest and though he's trying really hard to tamp it down it's persistent. It takes him several seconds to look back up at Ashton. "I think we need to cool it for awhile," he blurts out. 

Ashton looks stunned, like Calum has just reached across the table and slapped him in the face, his eyes wide and lips slightly parted. Calum hates it. Hates the flash of hurt in Ashton's eyes when it happens and for a moment he thinks the drummer might lose his composure. He doesn't. Ashton never loses it. 

"Okay," he says slowly, "where is this coming from?" 

Calum can't sit still and he stands up from the chair and begins pacing the room again. This time he's biting at his nails because he really, really wants a cigarette but he's trying to kick the habit because Ashton made him promise he would. Hotels don't even want you using vapes in the rooms anymore and their management team has made it clear they're not paying the extra fine for it. So he's without a vice and his nerves feel like they're shot. Calum not only has to convince himself that this is a good idea but Ashton as well. Ashton's not so easily persuaded when it comes to certain things. 

"Calum." 

Ashton's voice is edging on a demand and Calum slows, his eyes moving to the drummer once more and his shoulders slump slightly. Calum feels like he's about to break up with Ashton even though they were never technically dating. It's only ever been sex between the two of them. Just friends with benefits with no strings and no worries. He feels like somewhere along the line they became too comfortable and it's going to bite them in the ass eventually. There's more at stake than just their feelings. They have the band to think about, Luke and Michael, their families. Calum thinks it would be completely selfish of them to let this secret slip and destroy everything. 

He moves back to the chair he'd been sitting in and flops into it. Calum runs a hand through his hair and down the back of his neck somewhat nervously. "It's not coming from anywhere. Not really. I just think we're being too obvious. People notice everything and they talk about it which means management is gonna notice and then what? We're fucked." 

"Wait, wait..." Ashton interrupts looking somewhat incredulous. "Is this the same Calum that blew me in the back of the SUV after the MMVAs? All of a sudden you're gun shy about the fact we have sex?" 

Ashton's tone isn't angry, just confused. Calum frowns and shakes his head. "I know. I know it doesn't make sense but I think we're being a little selfish. What if we say too much and management comes down on us? What if the come down on Luke and Michael even more than they are now?" 

 _What if they make it so we can't do this at all?_ Calum doesn't want to say that part out loud. He doesn't want to put it into the universe like that. 

"This is really something you're worried about?" Ashton asks. 

Calum nods. It is something he's concerned about and the only way to make sure they don't get their asses in trouble for being obvious is to just not engage at all. It's not worth all that they could lose and he knows Ashton understands that as well. He just wishes it didn't hurt as much as it does to do this. They're not a couple and never have been. Calum's heart shouldn't feel like it's breaking. 

"I'm sorry, Ash." 

"Don't be sorry. I get it." 

He wonders if Ashton actually gets it or if he's just saying he does. Ashton has an annoying habit of suppressing his feelings for the sake of sparing someone else's. It takes a lot of effort for Calum to force himself to look at the drummer, and though Ashton's face is neutral he can see the hurt in hazel eyes. It makes Calum want to crawl across the table and kiss his best friend, apologize for being stupid and take back everything he said. He won't. He _can't_. The band comes first and foremost. 

There's an awkward silence that falls between them and it's almost unbearable, so Calum is actually a little relieved when Ashton gets up and leaves the room even though he doesn't say goodbye. The door clicks shut and Calum's left by himself with nothing but his thoughts. He feels like he might cry and draws in a deep breath to stave off the urge. A few minutes later, he gets up and gets dressed before leaving the hotel room. He needs to find a place to buy a pack of cigarettes. Fuck trying to quit right now.

 

*          *          *

 

The Genius video drops and it creates a buzz like Calum expects it would and his anxiety over it turns out to not be unfounded. Their managers pull both him and Ashton aside and tell them to tone it down with the innuendos. They explain they don't give a shit what the two of them do behind closed doors but it's apparent to Calum they don't want any sort of inner-band relationship to ever see the light of day. It sparks such an anger inside of Calum he can barely hold his tongue and Ashton must know it because he jumps in and says they'll take care of it. The drummer has always been a peacemaker but it leaves a sour feeling in Calum's gut and beneath that a sense of shame. He doesn't realize how much he can't be who he is until that moment and it pisses him off. Or maybe he has known all along, deep down, and just hasn't wanted to acknowledge it. They leave the impromptu meeting and neither Calum or Ashton say anything to each other or the other guys.

In fact, they barely look at each at all over the next few days as they travel from Denver to San Diego to San Jose and there's a certain amount of tension that surrounds them. Michael notices first and pulls Calum aside just before soundcheck to ask if he's okay. Calum assures his friend that he's fine and that he's just a little tired because he hadn't slept well the night before. Michael doesn't seem convinced but he doesn't push for more answers. Calum's grateful for that because he's not sure he can lie to his bandmate. They've known each other for too long and Michael's way too good at reading him.

During soundcheck he's a little distant and chooses to sit next to Luke instead of Ashton which earns him a strange look from the singer. Usually they pair off automatically; Luke and Michael on one side of the stage and Calum and Ashton on the other. When the soundcheck is over Calum makes himself scarce to avoid any questions and to avoid watching Ashton flirt with the pretty brunette who is new to their crew. It's been an ongoing thing since he called it quits with him but Calum hadn't thought Ashton would turn to someone else so quickly. He realizes he doesn't have any room to be upset or jealous - this was his decision - but he can't help the clawing in his gut. Calum's happy this is the last show for five days so he can spend it beating himself up over how stupid he is. He wishes this wasn't so confusing, wishes he could figure out why he feels so awful when it wasn't meant to be anything serious. They're best friends who had sex. Nothing more or less. 

Calum's about to turn the corner and nearly reaches the dressing room when a hand grabs his shoulder and stops him. He jumps, startled, and turns around to see who's touching him to find it's Michael. "Jesus, you about gave me a fucking heart attack," he admonishes. 

"Yeah well...it's what you deserve for slinking around like you've done something wrong. What's with you?" Michael asks, his brow knit. Michael's got that look on his face that Calum's all too familiar with; that looks that says _you're not getting away without telling me everything_ and Calum kind of wants to punch him.

"Nothing's with me," Calum retorts. "I just don't feel like being social at the moment. I slept like shit last night."

Michael remains unconvinced and presses hand to the middle of Calum's back to guide him further down the hall. "Take a walk with me."

Calum doesn't fight him and allows himself to be directed out into the venue. They walk across the stage and he pointedly doesn't look in the direction Ashton is in as Michael directs him off the stage, through the pit area and up the aisles between seats until the reach the highest point of the event center. Michael sits down on the edge so his legs hang over and he leans against the steel bars of the barricade. When he looks up at Calum expectantly, the bassist relents and sits down next to him, mirroring his position. 

"Why have you been avoiding Ashton like he has leprosy?" Michael asks, always blunt. 

Calum blinks at him, feigning ignorance but inside his stomach is churning uncomfortably. "I'm not avoiding him." 

"Bullshit. We've all noticed."

He doesn't like where this conversation is going and he doesn't like that Michael's calling him out. Calum isn't sure what he's supposed to tell him or what Michael is expecting. There's an unspoken rule about not prying into each other's personal lives and it's worked well in the past. Granted, that was during a time when he wasn't sleeping with Ashton so it didn't directly effect the band. Part of Calum feels like Michael doesn't have a right to pry and the other part of him feels like he does. It's frustrating and Calum sighs as he rests his chin on the bar in front of him. 

"It's nothing you have to worry about." He doesn't even sound sure of that himself. How can Calum hope to convince Michael of anything? "We just did something stupid and now we have to figure out how to live with it." 

Even though he's not looking at Michael, Calum can feel the guitarist staring at him and he has to fight the urge to squirm uncomfortably. This kind of scrutiny from one of his bandmates annoys him and Calum is trying hard to keep his cool about it and not tell Michael to mind his own fucking business.

"You guys fucked, didn't you?" Michael blurts. 

Calum feels like he's been slapped and her whips his head up to look at his friend, eyes wide and jaw dropped. How the fuck did he figure it out? "What the fuck, Mike? How's it any of your fucking business?" 

Michael isn't fazed by his outburst. "It's my business if it starts fucking with the band. I don't care who you're sticking your dick in, Cal...but if you guys can't figure your shit out it's going to make things real fucking awkward." 

There's no good counterargument that Calum can think of to retort with. Michael's right. Calum hates that he's right. It also feels like he's the only one being called out for this and that pisses him off as well. "Why don't you go bitch at Ashton about this as well?" he asks, mood even more soured than it was. 

"Luke's already on that. Don't think you're the only one getting picked on," Michael answers dismissively.

It doesn't make Calum feel any better and he falls silent, his eyes moving out over the venue below them as his brow knits in frustration. He's pissed off; at Ashton for not being his usual voice of reason, at Michael for confronting him about it, but mostly at himself for having been stupid enough to think he could sleep with his best friend and not develop some sort of feelings for him. It was easy to have casual sex with other people who he isn't as closely bonded to as he is with Ashton, but when it came to the drummer it was completely different. Apparently, it wasn't part of the problem for Ashton though because he was already trying to schmooze the newest crew girl. It leaves Calum with some rather dark thoughts he's going to have to shake off. 

"I'll take care of it," Calum mutters, hoping that'll suffice for now. 

It appears to because Michael nods and gets up from his spot. He reaches a hand down to squeeze Calum's shoulder reassuringly before leaving him alone on the ledge. Calum doesn't watch him go and blows out a breath, glad that the interrogation is over. He has no fucking idea how he's going to take care of it but he will for the sake of the band. Calum and Ashton agreed not to burden Michael and Luke with anything that might come from sleeping together and he's going to continue making sure that doesn't happen. 

 

*          *          *

 

Over the next week Calum makes his best efforts to turn back time and put his relationship with Ashton where it used to be before they started sleeping together. It seems to work; they hang out, they chat, they post things on social media, but it takes such a toll on Calum that he has to find a way to lock it away. Michael stops watching them so closely so Calum assumes he's got it figured out and they settle into a familiar routine once more. They're Ashton and Calum again. Just not  _Ashton and Calum._ This is what's best for the band and they've all sacrificed so much for it what's a little bit more? Calum has almost convinced himself that he can handle this and it's going to be fine.

They play Phoenix and then Los Angeles to wrap up the North America leg of the tour and he finds he's disappointed that he and Ashton haven't planned another vacation while they're on break. Calum doesn't bring it up in conversation.

Their management rents out The Peppermint Club for a wrap party that's invite only, which means industry people they're meant to call friends, their management and crew. Some of the people in attendance Calum barely knows but he makes conversation easily and especially with the more alcohol he consumes. 

Calum is acutely aware of where Ashton is in the club, of who he's talking to and the pretty brunette from their crew who has her arm around his waist. It takes everything inside of him not to walk over and take her place because Ashton is his, dammit. It's the alcohol making him think this way, he's sure of it, and it takes someone waving their hand in front of his face to take his attention off of Ashton. They ask if he's okay and Calum assures them he is, that he's just drifting off into space because of the booze. They seem to buy that answer and Calum excuses himself when he sees Ashton separate from the brunette in his periphery. He ignores the people trying to get his attention and doesn't care if he's coming across as rude because they're not important. Ashton is important. He can apologize to them later if they confront him about being a dick. 

He catches up with Ashton just as the drummer reaches the bar and Calum slips a hand into his. He can feel Ashton tense until he turns to see who it is that's taken hold of his hand and relaxes a moment later, an easy smile slipping onto his features. 

"Hey, stranger. Where've you been?" he asks, giving Calum's hand a squeeze. 

"Come with me," Calum says, and gives Ashton's hand a tug to get him to follow.

Ashton does so willingly and Calum leads him away from the bar and up the stairs to a VIP area that isn't being used because there isn't a reason for it. The club is their own for the night. Ashton follows him over the velvet rope that's meant to cordon off the area and once they're over it, Calum pushes him against the nearest wall, just barely out of sight of the people below them and kisses him roughly. His hands are on Ashton's chest and he can feel the drummer tense for a second time before relaxing into the kiss and returning it, hands finding their way into Calum's hair as their tongues meet. Ashton tastes like whiskey, which isn't his favorite flavor in the world but somehow it works at the moment as Calum tastes every inch of Ashton's mouth he can reach. He presses the entire length of his body against his bandmate, his dick already interested in what's going on and getting harder by the second and he sucks on Ashton's tongue with a soft moan. 

The kiss is broken only when his lungs start to burn and he sucks in a deep breath, lips swollen and pupils blown wide from the arousal moving through him. Calum wants to kiss Ashton forever, wants to feel every inch of his skin against his own, wants to fuck him and be fucked by him. He'd give up every last shred of his casual lifestyle if it meant he could have Ashton. Calum wouldn't even give a fuck if it had to be a secret for as long as 5sos existed. 

The bassist moves in for another kiss and he's met with a hand against his chest, stopping him from reaching Ashton's mouth with his own. 

"Calum, stop." 

Calum pulls back, confusion on his face. "What? What's wrong?" 

"What are you doing?" Ashton asks, frowning faintly.

"Kissing you," he responds lamely. 

Ashton lets out a faintly annoyed sound and shakes his head. "You're drunk so you need to not-" 

"So are you," Calum interrupts, still confused as to why Ashton stopped him. 

"Not as much as you. Calum, you're the one that called this off so what the fuck?" Ashton sounds a little angry, and beneath that he sounds hurt. 

That's the last thing he wants to be reminded of at the moment, as he's half hard because Ashton feels so good against him but the words feel like a punch and he steps back involuntarily. Even though he's drunk he can feel the sting of rejection, and he wonders if this is what Ashton felt that day in the hotel room when Calum called it quits. He was so stupid to have done that. He's still stupid to not just pour everything that he feels out to Ashton right now and ask the drummer to give him a second chance. 

"You wanted this," Ashton reminds him firmly. "Not me." 

"I know," he replies weakly, "I was being stupid. I want you. I want you so fucking bad." Calum crowds him against the wall again, his lips making contact with Ashton's jaw and then his neck. He slips his hands under the hem of Ashton's shirt to touch along the warm skin of his waist. "Don't you want me anymore?" 

A sound almost like pain leaves Ashton and he presses a kiss to the side of he bandmate's neck to try and chase it away but it doesn't work.

"I do want you but not like this," Ashton murmurs. "Not when your trashed and don't know what the fuck you actually want." 

This time Ashton doesn't just press his hand against Calum's chest, he pushes him away. Calum gasps faintly and meets Ashton's eyes to find they look more hurt than he ever would have thought was possible for him to cause. It feels like a hand has reached inside his chest, taken hold of his heart and squeezed it. He says nothing as Ashton pushes himself off the wall and straightens out his shirt. 

"You said we should call it off because we were too obvious, because you didn't want to burden Michael and Luke with that kind of secret and because you didn't want management coming down on us for it," Ashton says flatly. He doesn't need to remind Calum of what he said because Calum remembers. "And I think that's all bullshit. I think it's an excuse because you got in too deep and it scares you. I think deep down you're scared that it means more than just fucking and you're a pussy."

The edge has been taken off of the buzz he was feeling from drinking and he doesn't feel good anymore, he feels fucking terrible. It takes far too long for his brain to catch up with him and when it does the words come pouring out before he can stop them. It's like he's on the outside looking in, watching this in slow motion and desperately trying to stop himself from making a mistake but he can't quite make it.

"What about you?" he snaps, angry now. All the pent up sadness and hurt and fear (Ashton is right) breaks through the dam he's built. "It's not like you fucking tried to stop me from calling it quits with you. It's not like you had anything to fucking say about it. All you did was say 'I get it' and then fucking left. You didn't even try and figure out what the fuck was happening." Calum's voice is rising but the music below them is loud enough to drown it out. Not that he cares if people hear him at the moment. Fuck all of them. "Besides, it doesn't seem like you were too fucking busted up about it because you've been moving in on the new girl since Denver. Don't pretend like you actually give a shit that we stopped fucking because it didn't mean anything to you. If it did you wouldn't be trying to fuck the new chick." He sucks in a breath before he continues. "So take all of what you just said...and go fuck yourself..."

Calum doesn't wait for a rebuttal and descends the stairs from the VIP area quickly. He wants to get out of the club, away from Ashton and his other bandmates, away from all the fake people he's supposed to call friends. If anyone tries to stop him from leaving he doesn't notice and storms out of the club and into the street. 

The Los Angeles weather is starting to cool off and Calum's glad for it as he sucks in a lungful of cool air that smells mostly of car exhaust from the heavy traffic. Even being as late as it is the city it still thrumming with life. He doesn't want any part of it and he curses faintly as he walks away from the entrance to the club before anyone gets the bright idea to come after him. 

A wave of shame rolls over him as he walks in no particular direction, just away from the club and Ashton, because he so rarely loses his shit. Calum's always been calm, collected, in control of his emotions where as the other three struggle with it. He's always been able to keep a grip on himself and not fall apart. He wants to blame the alcohol but he can't because it's something that's been building for awhile. All of those emotions he's been suppressing for so long have been unleashed like a storm. Calum is afraid of what the consequences are going to be. He promised Michael he would figure it out for the sake of the band and he's done the complete opposite.

Actually, he's likely made things impossibly worse. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Again, I didn't intend for there to be a second part of this fic but alas people asked for it and who am I not to deliver? :) I hope you guys enjoy it!


	3. Chapter 3

Calum wakes to the persistent sound of his phone ringing and groans, shoving his face further into his pillow. He ignores it and the incoming voicemail that he's alerted is waiting for him, and he's just about to fall backs to sleep when it rings again. Even though he knows the volume hasn't been adjusted it somehow seems louder than the last time. He reaches blindly for the phone on his nightstand and silences the ringer so it won't bother him anymore. Duke hasn't seemed to move, apparently unperturbed by the phone having wakened both of them. That gets his attention more than the phone did and rolls over so he can look down to find the foot of the bed where Duke usually sleeps is empty. Calum frowns and tosses the sheet covering him aside before sliding out of the bed. He doesn't bother to put on a shirt or pants because he isn't expecting anyone to randomly be in his house, and especially not since he put the brakes on his thing with Ashton. 

He rubs the sleep out of his eyes as he enters the kitchen and he's about to call Duke's name when he sees his sister sitting on one of the barstools at the breakfast bar that separates the kitchen and the dining room. The look of surprise on his face must be clear because Mali laughs as she slips off the stool and approaches him. 

"Surprise, little brother," she says as she grabs his face and kisses his cheek. Duke trots along happily after her. Mali is one of the few people his dog allows to handle him. 

"Hi," Calum replies, still confused. "What are you doing here? You didn't tell me you were going to be in L.A." Now he wishes he would have grabbed a t-shirt at least so he wasn't standing around in his underwear with his sister. 

"It was sort of a last minute thing for work," Mali explains. "I thought I'd drop in and say hi. Go put some clothes on. I brought bagels and coffee from that place you like down the street."

Something about her story doesn't add. Mali's never not let him know she was going to be in town before showing up and London isn't exactly a short trip. Calum doesn't mention that and nods at her instructions to go get dressed, which he does and returns to the kitchen a few minutes later wearing a pair of sweats and a tank top. Mali's taken up residency on the bar stool she'd been sitting on earlier and Calum joins her. There are two cups of coffee on the breakfast bar, along with bag that contains a few bagels already toasted and spread with various types of cream cheese. Mali pushes the bag toward him and he chooses a plain bagel with strawberry cream cheese. He's not exactly hungry at the moment but he appreciates the gesture. Still, there's something bothering him about the fact Mali's here so suddenly. 

"So...why are you really here?" he asks. "Is it really because of work?"

"Partially," Mali answers, "and partially because Michael called me recently. Don't roll your eyes. He's been worried about you, and he said you and Ashton got into a fight at the after party a few nights ago. What's going on, Cal?"

Calum pauses, a frown forming on his features. He hadn't thought anyone saw that because they'd been upstairs and out of view. Apparently not as out of view as he'd thought. "I don't know. Things got...complicated between the two of us..." He isn't looking at his sister but he can see her nod in his periphery. He's not afraid to talk to her about this. Mali's the only one he's ever actually told he was attracted to guys and that he'd been sleeping with Ashton.

"Did you really think they wouldn't become complicated after awhile?"

A sigh leaves him and he shakes his head. Deep down Calum did know it had the potential to become complicated but he had hoped it wouldn't. As it turns out, he'd been really fucking naive to believe things could just stay nice and carefree and that his feelings wouldn't get mixed up in anything. He doesn't even know how Ashton feels about him, whether the drummer was as emotionally involved as he was or not. Calum has never asked because he was too afraid to know the truth either way. He's afraid if Ashton doesn't feel the same then he has to deal with the inevitable rejection, but if he does feel the same way he fears how it might effect the band and everything they have all worked so hard for. 

"I don't know, Mali. I guess it was more like I hoped it wouldn't. I thought I could handle it because Ashton's my best friend and I never thought there was a force on the Earth that could change that but...I was clearly fucking wrong." Calum picks at the bagel in his hand, not really interested in eating it. "It was stupid to get involved with him like that." 

"Cal..." Mali sighs, like she might be a little exasperated with him. "I know you think you've got a handle on all your emotions and whatnot. You don't lose your cool often and you stay the most level-headed about things for the most part but...it's okay to feel something once in awhile, you know? Being confused about things or even a little afraid of what can happen is okay. It's normal. Especially in the situation you're in."

Mali's words are just another reminder of how meticulously tailored his life has to be to keep everyone happy and it sucks. It really fucking sucks at times. Calum looks up at his sister and frowns. "How does a relationship - if that's even what Ashton wants with me - survive in shadow? How do we make something like that work when it can never be normal?" 

"You find a way to make it work," she replies without pause. "You figure it out because if you love him, which I suspect you do, it's going to be worth it in the end. You guys have been through so much so don't fuck it all up, Cal. Get your head out of your ass and make up with Ashton."

A laugh comes out of him because Calum has always found his sister's bluntness amusing. Plus, he knows she's right and that he needs to figure his shit out. Sometimes Calum finds it a little disconcerting that Mali seems to know him better than he knows himself at times. One way or another, no matter what the end result is, Calum has to talk to Ashton about all of this for the sake of the band. If it means accepting they'll only ever just be best friends, he thinks he's prepared to accept that and move on. 

"What if he doesn't want me back?" he asks. Calum can't seem to shake that last thread of insecurity that's hanging on.

Mali smiles and plucks the bagel out of his hands before taking hold of them and giving them a reassuring squeeze. "Then you have to figure out a way to heal your friendship with him if you want to keep him in your life, if you don't want things to fall apart but I think you'll be surprised if you just _talk_ to him." 

Calum hates talking about his feelings and what's on his mind; it's never been his forte. "Okay. Okay, you're right. I'll talk to him." 

"That's the spirit, little brother." Mali grins at him. "Now don't let that bagel and coffee go to waste."

 

*          *          *

 

Somehow, despite the fact they literally live next door to each other, Calum has been able to avoid Ashton for the past few days. He spent the day prior with Mali before she had to fulfill her work obligations in Los Angeles and return to London but any little bit of time he gets with her Calum is grateful for. He told her everything about what had been going on and she encouraged him to stop hiding behind his fear. He's not sure he could ever really express to his sister how much he loves and appreciates her. Now it's up to him to fix what he broke. It was his own fear and his own insecurity that got them to this point and he doesn't expect Ashton to take the initiative when Calum has treated him so badly. Admitting when you've been wrong has never been completely easy for Calum. He can be stubborn just like the rest of his bandmates but the tension bubble he has managed to create can't last. 

Calum paces the floor of his front living room as he works up the nerve to leave his house and go next door to talk to Ashton. Duke sits and watches him and yips for his attention, almost like he knows Calum is stressing out. He stops pacing and crouches so Duke will come over to him and when the dog does, Calum scratches behind his ears. 

"I fucked up, bud..." He doesn't expect an answer, obviously, even if Duke's head has tilted to the side, acknowledging that he's being spoken to. "Aunt Mali's right. I gotta fix it now."

Even if he's just a dog, Duke seems to understand he's not doing so great emotionally and nuzzles his head further into Calum's palm. It makes him smile and he gives the dog one last pet before standing up and drawing in a deep breath. It's now or never. He grabs his keys to lock the door just in case he's gone for awhile and leaves the house.

It's ten feet to Ashton's door and Calum takes them slowly, a millions things running through his mind. Part of him hopes Ashton isn't home so he can put this off even longer, though doing so will likely make it so he doesn't try at all, which resolves nothing. When he reaches the porch, Calum hesitates to ring the doorbell. It feels awkward to do so when he has a key and would normally just walk right in but he's sure he's messed that up as well. He's driven a wedge between the two of them and doesn't have a right to assume he still has such a privilege. Calum raises a hand to push the button and hears the muffled sound of it go off within the house, and Ashton's voice calls out that he's coming. A moment later the door opens and Calum sucks in a sharp breath, his mind suddenly blank and everything he plans to say doesn't seem adequate enough. Calum hates this feeling inside of him, threatening to eat him from the inside out. 

"Cal? Everything okay?" There's concern in Ashton's voice. "You look kinda pale." 

It makes Calum feel even worse knowing that despite how he acted a couple nights ago, Ashton still has it in him to be concerned about him. He shakes his head, hardly able to look at his bandmate because he feels ashamed. "I'm okay. Just came to talk if you have some time...and if you want to talk to me." 

Ashton seems to consider before he nods and steps back to allow Calum inside. When he steps in there's a familiar feeling about Ashton's house. He's spent so much time here that he's almost brought up the fact it's pointless to have two places, especially when they're right next to each other. Calum never actually said as much because he didn't want Ashton to get the wrong idea at the time, but now maybe the wrong idea is exactly the right idea. 

The door closes and silence stretches between them and it's awkward like it's never been before. Calum opens his mouth to speak but thinks better of it because he's not sure exactly what it is he wants to say first. Apologizing for being an asshole seems to be a good start. 

"You want coffee or something?" Ashton asks, effectively breaking the silence.

"Sure." 

Calum follows Ashton into the kitchen where there's already coffee made. Ashton gets two mugs out of the cupboard and fills both of them, then slides one across the counter toward him. Milk and sugar follow. He smiles faintly, thinking of how many times he's argued with Ashton to just get a Keurig machine because it's faster, but Ashton always argued it wasn't the same and percolated coffee in a traditional machine tasted better. He's not sure if that's true because he puts so much milk and sugar in it anyway. He pours milk into the mug, spoons sugar into it and mixes it up though he doesn't actually drink it. Instead, he wraps his hands around it and lets the warm seep into his palms through the ceramic. The tension between him and Ashton makes him want to squirm so he needs to speak up. 

"About the other night at the wrap party..." He starts and notices the way Ashton's brow is knit.

"You were wasted. We don't have to talk about it, Cal." 

"No, actually we do," Calum insists, his voice firmer this time so Ashton doesn't try and brush this aside. "We need to talk about it because I was wrong and I want to apologize for it. Not just that but...everything..." 

Ashton averts his eyes to his mug and doesn't say anything. Calum can't tell what he's thinking or feeling at the moment because Ashton's done that thing where he closes off and makes his face unreadable. It's something Calum's never understood how he's capable of and he hates when it happens. It usually happens with other people but never him, and now it has. 

"I was wrong for the incident in the club, Ash, and I'm so sorry about it. I'm sorry about what I said in the hotel room and for breaking it off. I was...afraid...I guess. I was afraid of what might happen if people started to get too suspicious and I just...I don't want to end up like Luke and Michael." Calum draws in a shaky breath. "I guess I was hoping it still didn't mean enough that it wouldn't hurt so much but I was wrong. I'm sorry, Ashton." 

"And what about now? Does it still not mean anything to you?" Ashton asks, glancing up at him. 

Calum shakes his head. "No, it means a lot to me. _You_ mean a lot to me." 

Ashton shudders, like he's trying to shake off some negative emotion. Calum feels himself tense for whatever is to come. Part of him believes Ashton will forgive him and the other part of him worries he won't. It's hard to look at him so Calum focuses on the untouched coffee in his mug, a million horrible scenarios spinning through his head that all end up with the band ending because of his own stupidity and selfishness. 

"I don't know what you want from me, Cal." It's a soft confession and when Calum looks up, Ashton is frowning at him. "Things were fine and then suddenly you decided it wasn't what you wanted anymore because you were worried about repercussion but...you never even asked me what I thought or what I wanted. You never asked me how I felt." 

"I know. I know I didn't and that was wrong of me, too. I shouldn't have made the decision without you. I should have asked how you felt." There were a hundred things Calum ought to have done differently. 

"Do you think I'm not afraid of what could happen?" 

Calum pauses and considers the question. No, he hadn't thought Ashton was afraid of consequences because he's always been so sure about everything, always the one to set everyone back on track when they get out of line. Ashton never seems afraid of anything. Calum realizes it was completely naive of him to have never thought Ashton would be concerned about what might happen. 

"Ash I..." Words don't seem enough at the moment so Calum let's go of the coffee mug and walks around the kitchen counter so he can reach for Ashton's face and cup it in his hands. He hesitates for a brief moment before he leans and kisses Ashton gently, giving him the chance to stop it if that's what he wants. He doesn't, though, and their lips meet gently. Calum let's the kiss linger before breaking it and pressing his forehead gently to Ashton's, eyes closed. "I'm so sorry. Please forgive me?" 

Ashton's hands come up to cover his own against his face and Calum smiles faintly. "I already forgave you, Cal. Yeah, what you did hurt but I know you never meant it." 

He leans back and Calum opens his eyes so he can look at his bandmate, the thumb of his right hand moving across Ashton's cheekbone gently. "I want to make this work," he says. "I know it's risky but I think we can handle it. I _know_ we can." 

"How can you be so sure?" 

Ashton smiles softly. "Because we're stronger together...and because I love you." 

Calum's heart feels like it's going to pound right out of his chest but it's not necessarily a bad feeling and he laughs softly before he draws Ashton into another kiss, this one deeper than the last. "I love you too," he murmurs against Ashton's lips when it's broken. 

"I don't care what anyone thinks, Cal. It's no one's fucking business what we do together. If they don't like the fact I'm in love with you then fuck 'em. We still have each other." 

Ashton's words send a shiver down Calum's spine and he nods, pressing a few more sweet kisses against his mouth. His bandmate is right because it doesn't matter what anyone else thinks as long as they have each other. The fear of it, the concern about the trouble it might cause, doesn't completely disappear but Calum is sure it hasn't for Ashton either. It's something they're going to have to work through together. 

"You know...we still have like six days before we have to be in the UK," Ashton grins. "We could totally book a last minute flight and get the hell out of Los Angeles." 

Calum laughs. "That actually sounds like the the best idea I've heard in awhile.

 

*          *          *

 

The two of them had slipped off to Bora Bora for the remainder of their break before they had to be in London for the Radio 1 Teen Awards. Calum had felt bad about leaving Duke behind again but he told himself it wasn't much longer before they would be back in Los Angeles for a while. The rest of their tour through Europe went much more smoothly than the North American leg for the simple fact Calum and Ashton weren't trying to avoid each other. They played their last show in Madrid before returning home, exhausted but satisfied with how the Meet You There tour went. All of them had dreams for bigger and better, to get back to the place where they were playing in arenas that sold out just for them. It was a climb back to the top but they knew they would get there. 

Despite being Australian, the four of them decide to spend Thanksgiving together at Ashton's house. It isn't traditional in the sense of cooking a fancy dinner with turkey and all the sides that go with it, rather it's a smorgasbord of all their favorite foods. They eat until they can't anymore and spend the rest of the day playing video games or watching movies, which also consists of Luke and Michael sharing one space because they can do so without concern in such company. It makes Ashton smile faintly to know they're still comfortable being a couple even if it's just in front of him and Calum, who is sitting next to him on the couch, close though not quite on top of him. They've never really been as clingy as Luke and Michael. It's not who they are as people. 

It's early evening by the time Luke and Michael leave and they say their goodbyes. Ashton loves his friends but he's also a little glad they're leaving so he can lure Calum upstairs and into his room, which doesn't actually take a lot of effort. They're a flurry of desperate kisses and clothes left in a trail on the floor. By the time they reach the bed, they're both so hard it's almost painful. Calum climbs on top of him and moans his name beautifully as he sinks onto Ashton's cock, rides him like it's been ages since they made love when in fact they had just that morning before Luke and Michael came over. As far as Ashton's concerned, they're just making up for the missed opportunities while they were on tour. No matter how many times he touches Calum's skin, kisses his mouth or comes inside of him, it still feels like the first. Ashton will never grow tired of it. 

Calum collapses onto the bed next to him when it's over. Both of them are breathing heavily, their skin damp from a light layer of sweat but it doesn't stop Ashton from rolling onto his side to face his lover so he can prop himself on an elbow and simply admire him. He reaches with one hand to trace his fingertips along Calum's jaw just before he leans down to kiss him gently. It's a slow kiss, lazy even as his tongue slips into the bassist's mouth. When it's over, Ashton nudges his nose gently against Calum's before leaning back enough to look at him. 

"Move in with me," he suggests softly. 

"What?" Calum looks surprised and Ashton laughs softly.

"Why not? You're here all the time anyway. More than at your place. Hell, even Duke has his own spot in the house." It's true. The last he saw Duke, the dog was asleep in a doggie bed in the living room, surrounded by toys. 

Calum seems to consider it for a moment and Asthon worries at the inside of his cheek. He wonders if maybe it was too much to ask of his bandmate. 

"I'd have to sell my place..."

"You could rent it out."

"True," Calum smiles. "Is that what you really want? For me to move in with you? What if management gets all weird about it?" 

Ashton shrugs. "I only want you to move in if it's what you want, and who gives a shit about what they think. It's not like we haven't lived together before." Of course, it was when they were younger and couldn't really afford nice places all on their own. "Rent it out to Roy or something since he crashes at your place to often anyway." 

Calum laughs softly, nodding. "Fair enough." 

Silence falls between them and as much as Ashton wants to list off all the reasons Calum ought to move in with him, he doesn't want to push his lover either. It's a decision Calum has to make and if it's not what he wants, Ashton won't be upset. Not really. He won't show it at least. His stomach tightens as Calum makes a thoughtful "hmm" sound, and it doesn't loosen again until he looks up at Ashton with a grin.

"You think you can handle living with me again?"

Ashton laughs and leans down to kiss him. "Yeah, I think I can manage it." 

He cups Calum's face with one hand and kisses him again, deep and meaningful. Even though they've lived together before it's going to be different this time. It's going to be different because this time they'll be living together as partners and not just friends or bandmates. There's something exciting that unfurls in Ashton's stomach at the domesticity of it. It's a big step but one he thinks they're both ready for. 

Ashton never plans to let Calum slip through his fingers again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Voila! We have reached the end of this little ficlet and I'm quite please with how it's turned out. Thank you all so much for the encouragement and your lovely comments! It's been a pleasure to write for you and I hope to have something really awesome out for you soon! Much love. 
> 
> -TJ

**Author's Note:**

> So I've been working on this one shot for like a month and it's finally done! I was inspired by [THIS PIC](https://78.media.tumblr.com/b8cb3fba1d8d9dca05a64adbab2ae66f/tumblr_pe3c8jl6PC1vlzsg1_640.jpg) because Ashton just looked so fucking gorgeous in it. So I decided to write about it as Calum was the one who took it. ;) Thus is led to shenanigans. I hope you guys enjoy it!


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